


clouds

by itsfromjapaAAAAAAAN (Random13245)



Series: there's no you and me, this impossible year [3]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, Communication, Crying, I showed some friends some excerpts, Lack of Communication, M/M, Sad, Sadness, They finally talk but it's not ??? Healthy yet, They're both hurting, apparently this is crying worthy shit, boys having emotions, so???? Be warned?, this is probably the saddest part whoOps
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-13
Updated: 2017-09-13
Packaged: 2018-12-27 08:23:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12077277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Random13245/pseuds/itsfromjapaAAAAAAAN
Summary: Take today and make my wayThrough the town, the streets, the pouring rain'Cause some days,It seems like the clouds won't stay away.





	clouds

**Author's Note:**

> I drew cover art for this and will have a link soon here: http://aminoapps.com/p/lsuc6p
> 
> Inspired by Clouds by the Morning Light
> 
> Anyway yeah apparently this is crying level shit

_*Oh my God,_  
_This town, it feels like a headache,_  
_And all the words inside my mouth won't come through._

Michael doesn't like his new life.

Okay, he does. But he doesn't. He likes the fresh feeling, the fresh people. But he can't help but miss the past. Some parts of it, at least.

He doesn't miss being used, he doesn't miss putting up with shit from people. But he misses the people, he misses their individual personalities. No one totally can replace any of them.

 _*I've got this pain in my head that I can't shake,_  
_When I remind myself I can't get to you._

He especially doesn't want to think about Jeremy. The one person in specific he'd been getting away from. The one person he felt used by the most. All because he let himself for the longest time. Shroud it under the title of best friend, call it love, but it still hurts.

And he still misses him. He shouldn't, he has no right to, since _he_ left. And it's not like Jeremy has made himself hard to find, Michael just won't let himself go running back.

 _*And it rained all day,_  
_And I figured it out I'm not the person that I used to be,_  
_Washed away._

He knows he's not the same. He's not sure he even recognizes himself. His new friends have no idea, though. They've only known the new Michael. They like the new Michael.

Michael hadn't decided yet if he likes the new Michael.

 _*Please someone make me okay,_  
_'Cause I'm feeling like I might…_  
_Take today and make my way,_  
_Through the town, the streets, the pouring rain._

__

He sometimes walks along the same stretch of sidewalk where he'd bumped into Jeremy not long ago, thinking maybe he might see him again. He doesn't.

He feels a few drops of rain coming down, but he doesn't have an umbrella, so he lets it come down on him. He watches his feet as he walks, the sidewalk underneath rushing by. The people don't mean anything to him, he's never met and will never meet ninety percent of this city.

 _*Cause some days,_  
_it seems like the clouds won't go away._

Most people move to big cities- places like New York or Los Angeles or Hollywood- to make their way, get their name in lights. But Michael wants nothing more than to be part of the daily rush hour. Another face in the crowd. He wants to fade into the background, be invisible. In his last town, a small town, everyone knew everyone and bumped elbows. He felt suffocated. Here, amongst the sea of people, he doesn't have to be known.

Which is what made running into Jeremy so startling. When he said his name, Michael’s safe bubble of anonymity popped suddenly.

_*I watched you change with the seasons._

He is there for every moment of it, watching Jeremy change. He's there through all of it, even when Jeremy doesn't want him to be. In the end, though, Jeremy seemed thankful for his loyalty. Thankful that he let himself get dragged around.

 _*I wrote you letters but I forgot to mention that;_  
_I'm a wreck, I'm a mess, you're a stranger._

__

He started keeping a journal while it's happening, from the moment he knows whatever Jeremy took is working to that day in the hospital. Each entry reads like a letter, maybe to Jeremy but possibly to some other third party. He never makes it clear.

He comes close to burning it at least three times, yet somehow it always finds its way safely to a keepsake box. He finds it again, flipping through the pages. He almost wants to comfort his past self, tell him that he wouldn't always be friends with Jeremy, but he isn't sure that's really comforting.

It should be, or so he thinks it should be. Why isn't it, even now?

 _*Watch your face fade away,_  
_Now I'm stuck here._

__

It's almost amazing how fast time goes by, one year, two, three. It strikes him suddenly that he can't remember what Jeremy's voice sounds like. He's not sure why that hurts so much.

 _*Take today and make my way,_  
_Through the town, the streets, the pouring rain._  
_'Cause some days,_  
_It seems like the clouds won't stay away._

The second time he sees Jeremy it's more purposeful, at least it feels that way. He’s sitting alone on a park bench, reading some book he's hardly invested in.

Someone sits next to him. “Hi, Michael.”

“Jesus-” He jumps, startled into almost dropping his book. He looks at the person for a moment before mumbling, “Jeremy?”

Jeremy nods. “I- uh- well, I talked to one of your friends,” he admits, “and they told me where to find you.”

Michael frowns. “Which friend?”

“I promised not to tell,” he says with a sad attempt at a smile. “How-How are you?”

The first thing that comes to his mind to say is; _I miss you_ , but he mentally yells at himself for it. It's been almost three years since they last talked, if bumping into each other on the street counts as ‘talking.’ He can't believe Jeremy was still on his mind.

So instead, he lies. “I'm fine. How are you?”

“Fine,” Jeremy says quietly, but then takes a deep breath and says, “actually, no. Someone who's been ignoring me intensely for almost three years is still constantly on my mind.”

Michael knows he's talking about him, how could he not? But, all he says is, “oh,” and looks away.

Jeremy grows visibly more agitated.

 _*She said,_  
_"Turn your back cause you'll never understand."_  
_I can't get through,_  
_I can't get through to you._

“Are you going to run away again?”

The sharp tone and bite makes Michael whip around to look at Jeremy with narrowed eyes. “Why do you care?” He says with an equally sharp voice.

Jeremy opens his mouth, but for a moment no sound comes out. “Because maybe I want to talk to you! Maybe I've been trying to talk to you for a long fucking time and you've always walked away!”

Michael blinks, unable to hold Jeremy’s gaze anymore. “Maybe I don't want to talk to you,” he says, and it's a flat out lie.

“If you really didn't you could've just… continued to act like you didn't recognize me last time we talked. But you didn't, you stopped,” Jeremy says quietly, “why?”

Michael turns his face away. “‘Cos maybe I've missed you, too, and I don't like it.” He's ready for Jeremy to use his own words against him here. He logically has no right to miss Jeremy since he left, just as Jeremy had no right to miss him when he was the one who pushed him away in the apartment hallway.

But instead, a silence settles over them. Michael comes to realize Jeremy didn't expect that answer.

Jeremy is the first the break the tense silence. “If we both miss each other, then what are we doing ignoring each other?”

Michael lifts his head slightly, glancing sideways at Jeremy. “Just because I miss you doesn't mean I forgive you,” Michael says and the words seem to echo around them.

Jeremy frowns. “I’m sorry for what happened at my apartment-”

Michael laughs bitterly, cutting Jeremy off. “That's hardly the only issue.”

Jeremy seems confused, almost bewildered. “What're you talking about?”

“It's _everything_ , Jeremy. You dragged me around for _years_. Why? Because you knew I’d put up with it? Because you knew I wasn't going to leave your side? And now you're upset because I did? Because I finally got the courage to fucking leave?”

Jeremy sits back, his back hitting the bench. He sits with his mouth agape, not saying anything.

“And-And, shit, I get it, you had the Squip in your head fucking with you. But did you have to fuck with my head in return?”

Michael has more to say but Jeremy suddenly chokes out, “Please stop,” so he does.

Jeremy takes in a shaky breath. “You never told me that.”

Michael looks away again, noticing tears in Jeremy’s eyes and telling himself he wasn't going to crack because of it. “I didn't think it was important.”

“How could that not be important?!” Jeremy asks, and he's half screaming as the tears start to spill over.

Michael swallows a lump in his throat. “I guess I didn't think you cared.”

 _*But the silence and the shaking of your hands,_  
_Says differently to me._

Jeremy has to put a hand over his mouth to hold back the sobs suddenly taking over his body. He made Michael think he didn't care. It's his fault Michael never talked to him about this before.

Michael hasn't looked at him since he started crying, and he doesn't blame him.

 _*You watched me wait on the steps of your house,_  
_I stood outside, you refused to come out_  
_And honestly, this is making me sick._

Michael is standing outside Jeremy’s house, resisting the urge to give into cliches and throw rocks. It's about a week after he realized whatever weird pill Jeremy took had worked.

He knocks on the door, to no response. He takes a few steps back, looking up at Jeremy’s window and wondering if he's even home. The thought, _fuck it, if this works…_ crosses his mind before he scoops up some pebbles from the driveway.

The first one plunks gently against the window- he's careful to use small rocks and throw them just hard enough that they'll reach the window, but not break it. He’s about five rocks in when the window curtain suddenly pulls back, and Jeremy stares down at him. He waves, smiling brightly. He knew he'd get teased endlessly for this, once Jeremy let him inside.

But Jeremy pulls the window curtain shut without opening the window itself. Michael is confused, thinking maybe Jeremy is coming to the door, so he walks up and waits.

He stands there for almost ten minutes before realizing Jeremy isn't coming to the door.

 _*All this time,_  
_I tried to hide,_  
_The truth inside,_  
_But this is making me sick,_  
_Making me sick._

__

Michael tries for a very long time to deny that he has feelings for Jeremy. It would just make things more complicated, so he refuses to acknowledge it.

But the incident at the window, the fact that he found himself standing there like a lost dog for so long before even considering maybe Jeremy wasn’t going to let him in, hits him hard.

He doesn't have one large single ‘realization’ moment, but rather a collection of tiny moments that add up. Once he stops denying it, though, it makes him want to vomit.

 _*Take today and make my way,_  
_Through the town, the streets, the pouring rain._  
_'Cause some days,_  
_It seems like the clouds won't stay away._

Michael isn't sure if Jeremy remembers every event as well as he does, but he probably didn't keep a journal like Michael did, which helped keep the pain rather fresh at all times.

Jeremy's voice is hoarse when he speaks again. “I'm so sorry, Michael.”

 _*She said,_  
_"Turn your back cause you'll never understand."_  
_I can't get through,_  
_I can't get through to you._

Michael is quiet. “I’m sure you are.” He goes to stand, but Jeremy grabs his sleeve.

“Don't walk away, please,” he's sniffling, the hand he isn't using to hold onto Michael’s sleeve is wiping his face and nose.

“I-” his voice cracks and he winces, “I need to leave, but…” He reaches into his pockets and fishes out a scrap piece of paper and a pen and scribbles down his new phone number.

 _*But the silence and the shaking of your hands,_  
_Says differently to me._

Jeremy takes the crumpled paper, realizing it must be Michael’s new number. The weight of this isn't lost him; Michael might be walking away now, but he's opening his life back up to Jeremy and Jeremy doesn't feel worthy.

“We should-” Michael fumbles his words, “we have to talk about this in private sometime. I have to leave.”

 _*Take today and make my way,_  
_Through the town, the streets, the pouring rain._  
_'Cause some days,_  
_It seems like the clouds won't stay away._

As he's walking away, he wonders what possessed him to give his number to Jeremy like that. He knows it means letting him back in, and he isn't sure yet how he feels about that. 

But, a part of him doesn't want to miss what could be his last opportunity to do so, even if he's not totally ready.

_*'Cause some days, it seems like the clouds won't stay away._


End file.
